By Lauren McKinney, LPC
There’s a kind of loneliness that can creep in during adulthood that’s hard to explain because, from the outside, life may look full. You go to work. You talk to people. You have conversations throughout the day.
Sometimes it hits in really ordinary ways. You hear something funny and realize there’s no one you instinctively want to send it to. You have a free Saturday and it feels more empty than restful. You notice how many people you “know,” but how few people really know you.
When we’re younger, connection is built into the structure of our days. School, college, sports, roommates, first jobs—we’re constantly surrounded by the same people, often without having to think much about how relationships form. Friendship has repetition working in its favor. Familiarity happens naturally.
Adulthood removes most of that.
Research consistently shows that social connection plays a meaningful role in both emotional and physical well-being, yet many adults report feeling lonelier than they expected in this stage of life (American Psychological Association, n.d.). Which makes sense because friendship in adulthood often asks us to do something we haven’t had to do in a while: create connection on purpose.
The Awkward Middle Nobody Talks About
I think one of the biggest misconceptions about friendship is the idea that if a connection is “meant to be,” it will happen naturally and effortlessly.
There’s an awkward middle stage of friendship that almost nobody talks about. The stage where you’ve met someone you like, maybe even spent time together once or twice, but you’re not fully in each other’s lives yet.
A second coffee.
A text sent a few days later.
Running into each other enough times that familiarity starts turning into comfort.
There’s no rhythm established yet. No certainty. And because of that, a lot of potentially meaningful connections fade before they ever have the chance to deepen.
Not because there wasn’t chemistry or compatibility. But perhaps someone got self-conscious. Or someone assumed they were bothering the other person. Maybe someone was waiting for clearer proof of interest instead of risking another invitation.
But adult friendship usually does involve risk.
It often looks like being the one who follows up. Sending the second text. Suggesting coffee again (even if the first time felt a little awkward). It’s not because you’re desperate—it’s because that’s often how closeness begins.
Most closeness develops gradually, almost invisibly at first. Before you know it, a few conversations become inside jokes and casual plans become a new routine. Someone slowly becomes part of your life before you even realize it’s happening.
You Don’t Need to Become More Interesting
I hear a lot of people talk about friendship as though it’s something you earn by becoming more impressive, confident, charismatic, or socially effortless. However, the relationships that actually last are rarely built on performance—they’re built on honesty.
Sometimes connection deepens through surprisingly simple moments:
“I’ve actually been trying to meet more people lately.”
“I always feel a little awkward doing this.”
“I’m really glad you reached out.”
There’s something deeply relieving about people who are willing to speak plainly instead of pretending they have everything socially figured out. Vulnerability has a way of making other people exhale. It gives them permission to stop performing, too.
Chances are, more people feel this way than you think.
Let Friendship Look Different Than You Expected
One thing adulthood has taught me is that friendship doesn’t always arrive in the form we imagined it would. Not every connection becomes a best friend. Not every meaningful relationship turns into daily texts, spontaneous plans, or lifelong closeness.
I think we sometimes dismiss meaningful connection because it doesn’t match our idealized version of what friendship is supposed to look like. But community is often built through smaller, steadier forms of closeness—and those relationships matter more than we give them credit for.
Sometimes friendship looks like the person you always talk to after yoga class or the coworker who checks in when you seem off. Maybe it’s the neighbor you slowly become comfortable with or the friend you only see every few months but can immediately be honest with.
The hard part, of course, is tolerating uncertainty.
Reaching out without guarantees. Letting people matter to you before you know exactly where you stand. Accepting that not every connection will deepen the way you hoped.
But many beautiful friendships begin in very ordinary ways: one conversation, one invitation, one person deciding to try again instead of assuming rejection.
So… Where Do You Actually Meet People?
If you’re reading this thinking, Okay, but where am I actually supposed to find these people? You’re not alone.
Adult friendship often becomes easier when you stop focusing on “meeting your next best friend” and start focusing on repeated spaces where connection has room to grow naturally.
A few places to start:
Join something with built-in repetition.
Consistency helps familiarity form. Think book clubs, yoga classes, walking groups, run clubs, volunteering, art workshops, coworking spaces, recreational sports leagues, or faith/spiritual communities.
Use friendship apps (yes, really).
Apps like Bumble BFF or local meetup groups can feel awkward at first—but so does dating, and people still do that. Plenty of adults are actively looking for friendship too.
Say yes a little more often.
Even if the invite isn’t perfect. Even if you feel tired. Even if you’re unsure. Not every social moment becomes meaningful—but some absolutely do.
Be the initiator.
This one can feel vulnerable, but it matters. A lot of adults are waiting for someone else to make the first move. Sometimes connection grows simply because one person kept showing up.
Tell the truth.
You don’t have to overshare. Just be human.
It might sound like:
“I’m newer here.”
“I’ve been trying to build more community.”
“I’d love to do this again sometime.”
That kind of honesty tends to land more warmly than we expect.
Making friends as an adult is rarely about becoming someone more likable.
More often, it’s about allowing yourself to be known a little more honestly.
Showing up a second time. Staying open long enough for familiarity to turn into trust.
It’s slow work, usually.
But meaningful things often are.
References
American Psychological Association. (2023, June 1). The science of friendship. Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship
Franco, M. G. (2022). Platonic: How the science of attachment can help you make—and keep—friends. Penguin Random House.
