by Lauren McKinney, LCPC
Over the past few months, I’ve found myself having some version of the same conversation with enough clients that I eventually started writing down the questions they were asking. Not because the answers were always the same, but because the questions kept showing up.
“Do you think I drink too much?”
“Is this becoming a problem?”
“Why do I feel like I need a drink after work?”
“Does this mean I don’t have any self-control?”
“If I decide to drink tonight, does that mean I’ve failed?”
“Do I have to give up alcohol completely, or is it okay if I just drink differently than I do now?”
What strikes me isn’t that everyone is asking these questions. It’s that more people seem willing to ask them than ever before.
For a long time, conversations about alcohol felt very all-or-nothing. Either drinking was a problem, or it wasn’t. Either you were sober, or you weren’t. There didn’t seem to be much room for the people who landed somewhere in between—people who weren’t necessarily concerned about addiction but who were beginning to wonder whether alcohol was playing a different role in their lives than they had realized.
That’s why I’ve found myself appreciating the idea of sober curiosity. Not because I think everyone should stop drinking, and certainly not because I think there’s one “right” relationship to have with alcohol. I appreciate it because it shifts the conversation away from judgment and toward curiosity.
As therapists, we spend so much time helping people become curious about themselves. We ask where certain patterns came from, what emotions are underneath particular behaviors, and what needs are trying to be met. To me, it makes sense that alcohol can be explored in exactly the same way. Instead of immediately asking, Should I quit?, I wonder if a more helpful question is, What is alcohol doing for me right now?
Maybe it’s helping you unwind after work. Maybe it’s become part of celebrating with friends. Maybe it’s easing social anxiety, creating a sense of belonging, or simply marking the end of a long week. None of those things make you weak, broken, or destined to struggle with alcohol forever. They simply give us somewhere to begin.
One thing I often tell clients is that awareness doesn’t obligate you to change. Becoming curious about your drinking doesn’t mean you’ve committed to sobriety. It doesn’t mean you have to pour every bottle down the sink or decide what your relationship with alcohol will look like five years from now. It simply means you’re paying attention.
And sometimes paying attention teaches us things we weren’t expecting.
Maybe you notice you’re sleeping more soundly after taking a week off from drinking. Maybe your anxiety feels different the next day. Maybe you realize you’re spending less money than you thought. Maybe social situations feel easier than you expected—or maybe they feel harder, and that tells you something too. Maybe you discover that what you were craving at the end of the day wasn’t actually a drink at all, but a moment to exhale after carrying so much.
To me, that’s the heart of sober curiosity. It’s less about alcohol itself and more about learning to listen to yourself without rushing to conclusions. You don’t have to decide whether you’re someone who drinks or someone who doesn’t. You don’t have to earn a label before you’re allowed to ask thoughtful questions about your habits.
Sometimes the most meaningful changes don’t begin with a dramatic decision. They begin with paying closer attention to the life you’re already living. And maybe that’s enough.
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Additional Resources
Books
- Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker
- This Naked Mind by Annie Grace
- We Are the Luckiest by Laura McKowen
- The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray
Podcasts
- Recovery Happy Hour
- Sober Powered
- Recovery Elevator
Organizations
- National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA)
- Rethinking Drinking (NIAAA)
- SMART Recovery
- Moderation Management
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)
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References
Grace, A. (2018). This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life. Avery.
Gray, C. (2018). The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. Aster.
National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. (2021). Rethinking Drinking: Alcohol and Your Health.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2024). National Helpline.
Whitaker, H. (2019). Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol. Dial Press.
World Health Organization. (2023). No level of alcohol consumption is safe for our health.
